What's new in the world of bailouts? Down on their luck retailers WILL ask for slice of TARP pie
After an absolutely abysmal holiday shopping season, retailers are beseeching president elect Barry for whatever TARP crumbs can be swept from the table and onto their plates. Fuck the bridges, roads and schools--I think we should be bailing out American Eagle and Banana Republic. After all, isn't frivolous consumerism more important than improved infrastructure and asbestos-free schools? On a related note, America's public schools have been so neglected that it has resulted in the mass production of some of the dumbest kids on earth--many of whom will be needed to operate a shovel and pick axe for Obama's infrastructure stimulus package. One can only wonder if this little mishap won't be a recurring theme after it's been discovered that state and local governments were using inferior grade concrete, or even inferior grade architects and engineers in order to shave a few bucks off the top save money.
But what to do about retail? Merely contemplating the failure of even ONE "Hot Topic" outlet should send you into a panic. Wherever will America's *ahem* "fashion forward" dirtbags meet their Slipknot apparel needs? And what horrors await thus country after the fall of the House of GAP? This simply cannot be allowed to go on. Here's a quote from a National Retail Federation spokesperson:
"The situation is critical," the National Retail Federation (NRF) wrote in a letter to Obama. "In October, consumer confidence was at its lowest level in the 41 years. We urge you to act quickly on legislation to help stimulate consumer spending as one of the first priorities of your new administration," the NRF said.
Oh no--I can't think of a better way to move the economy forward than by stimulating consumer spending among the world's most heavily indebted degenerate shopaholics. Saving for a rainy day was, like, so 1950 and stuff. But printing trillions of dollars so that the ultra-leveraged American consumer can once again get his shop on is sheer genius. I think I've got a better idea though:
Let's immediately divert $4 trillion dollars from the Treasury to the following stimuli packages (and enough with this silly roads, bridges and schools bullshit):
$1 trillion for a flat screen stimulus package. Every household in American shall possess at least 8 42" LCD/Plasma TVs but no less than 2 per person. TV must remain the centerpiece of our collective effort to brainwash, mindscrub and generally distract the general populace from, oh-let's say a $750 billion bait and switch bailout heist.
$1 trillion subsidy to defray the cost of purchasing iPhones, Blackberry Storms and G1s. When each and every American has a touchscreen phone in their hands, the road to recovery can't be far behind. Besides, what good is a new economy without mobile access to Facebook and Amazon?
$1 trillion stimulus package for high-end big box clothiers like Nordstrom & Saks. Retailers that market exclusive haute couture, but NEVER - not under any circumstance - offer meaningful discounts are starting to feel the pinch. America's top 5% may find their clothing options limited if such a slack economy persists, and that simply cannot happen. We have an obligation to see that these people are dressed in the manner to which they've grown accustomed.
$1 trillion for Nike, Reebok and any retailer that carries their products. Wannabe NBAers and inner city thugs must not be deprived of expensive shoes and jersies, even during a severe economic downturn.
